Imagine you have been asked to find positive solutions to difficulties between people. You may have been invited to solve deep-seated conflicts, ongoing arguments or fundamental differences. Such situations are often the result of long-term patterns, so there is not a quick fix. The best route is to go for a ‘win-win’ solution, but this takes creativity and patience. ‘Win-lose’ creates ongoing problems; whilst ‘lose-lose’ spells trouble for everybody.

Looks simple on paper – but we know it is extremely difficult in practice. Let’s explore three steps towards making it happen.

1) You can make sure the conditions are in place for finding a ‘win-win’ solution.

Two conditions must be in place before it is possible to solve deep differences.

a) People must want to solve the conflict.

b) People must be prepared to work hard to - as far as possible - find ‘win-wins’.

Timing is everything. Many conflicts only get resolved when the parties are exhausted. For example, couples feel weary from fighting a divorce, terrorists became too old or tired to fight, employers and strikers are exhausted after an industrial dispute. People get fed-up with the negative energy. They are then more willing to sit down and find positive solutions. Before getting involved in any conflict resolution, it is important to ask the following questions:

* Are people ready to work together? Do they really want to solve the problem? (Remember, some people are addicted to conflict.)

* Are they prepared to co-operate to find - as far as possible - a ‘win-win’ solution? How high is their motivation to do this on a scale 0 - 10? (7+ is necessary to produce success.)

* Are people ready to focus on how things can be better in the future, rather than simply argue about the past?

Providing people want to solve the problem, it is then possible to move onto the next step.

2) You can clarify what each party wants and build on common ground – before then going onto the differences.

Start by clarifying what each person or party wants. Focus on what people have in common - rather than the differences. Some may try to draw you into arguing about the differences, but return to the similarities. You will have lots of time later to explore the differences. Mediators, for example, create a safe environment in which people feel at ease. They listen to what each person perceives as the challenge. They then aim to build a common agenda. Doing this calls for following certain rules. It is important:

a) To show respect and recognise the authenticity of each person’s feelings. Everybody must feel that they have been heard.

b) To encourage people to look to the future, rather than fight about the past.

c) To get people to be super specific about the desired outcome. Ask people: “What are the real results you want to achieve?”

d) To encourage the parties to put the challenge in positive terms. For example: “How can the two departments work together to achieve success?” Rather than: “How can they stop fighting?”

e) To build on the common ground, get some quick success and begin to build confidence.

You can use the following framework to map out what people want, what they have in common and the potential differences.

Party ‘A’ wants:

*

*

*

Party ‘B’ wants:

*

*

*

The common ground. The common goals – the
real results - that everybody wants to achieve are:

*

*

*

The differences. The potential
different things that people want are:

*

*

*

The things we can do to build on the common
ground and get some quick successes are:

*

*

*

Build on what people have in common. Get some early successes, create confidence and build trust. Then go onto the next step.

3) You can then keep working until you find – as far as possible – ‘win-win’ solutions.

You can now move onto the differences. Start by establishing clarity. Looking at each difference in turn, clarify what each person/party wants. Then use the 5 C model for creative problem-solving. Focus on the challenges, choices, consequences, creative solutions and conclusions. (You can find an adaptation of this in the piece called 3 tips for facilitating a mentoring session.) Stay calm and invite people to use their creativity. When it comes to the sticking points, keep asking:

How can we find a ‘win-win’ solution?

Be patient. People are incredibly creative - so keep asking this question until they solve the problem. (If appropriate, you can share possible ideas, but it is vital to show that you respect each person’s agenda.) If tempers rise, take a break and have a cooling-off period. Return to the beginning and establish if people still want to solve the problem. If so, resume the exploration. Keep going until they find, as far as possible, a ‘win-win’ solution. Again, build on the good work by getting an early success. Encourage people: a) To set clear goals; b) To make clear contracts about each person’s contribution; c) To get a concrete result. Success breeds success and mutual confidence. People can then move onto the next topic where they want to find a ‘win-win’ solution.

Let return to the situation where you may have been asked to help with a difficult situation. Focus on one specific difference and try completing the following sentences.

The specific topic where people have differences is:

*

The specific things that party ‘A’ wants are:

*

The specific things that party ‘B’ wants are:

*

The potential options that could be –
as far as possible – a ‘win-win’ solution are:

*

*

*

Sounds easy in theory - but it is obviously much harder in daily life. So how do painful problems get solved? There are several answers. Some don’t - people go on fighting. Some do because people lose interest - they get tired, accept the differences or move-on with their lives. Some do because people work hard at solving the problem. You can focus on situations that fall into the latter category. Equipping people to find ‘win-win’ solutions can provide them with a tool for life.